Tuesday, October 13, 2009

A confusing list

Finished 26; 46,247 word count

Writing Tip: Fenworth needed some things from his pocket hollows. But the list was giving me trouble.

"Librettowit, Hollee," he called, "look for tincture of trussell, two types of torleo, one blue and the red one, as well, and of course, a bit of croomulite."

Obviously, in Fenworth's speech pattern there are a lot of asides, and a straight list would not sound like our venerable wizard. However, look at all the commas in the example. Rewrite time.

"Librettowit, Hollee," he called, "look for tincture of trussell. I shall need two types of torleo, the red and the blue. Of course there is the yellow, but that is for aching feet and our patient isn't awake to tell us the state of his feet. And Librettowit, didn't we pack croomulite? Yes, yes, I'm sure we did. See if you can't find that, as well."

Now, doesn't that sound like Wizard Fenworth?


  1. I like the way you pulled that off. Thanks for the tip!

  2. That sounds so much more like our beloved wizard. I love how you managed that! I would have had a terrible time!

  3. Wow....I could practically hear Wizard Fenworth say that! Fantastic job, I love this site!!!