Thursday, October 1, 2009

What are they doing?

Finished ch. 21; 37,774
Writing Tip:
I had a problem today. My POV character is eavesdropping on a conversation. He can't see them so, of course, I can't relay what the characters are doing. It could have been straight dialogue, but that would have been boring. I interspersed the POV character's thoughts as he listened to these two offhandedly talk about the POV character's imminent death. But I also had to make it clear that the two were moving out of the room. So I came up with this incredibly bulky sentence.

Bealomondore listened to two people grunting and the wood crate scraping over the stone floor as they maneuvered it toward the door.

First of all, Bealomondore doesn't know they are going to the door, because he can't see. But just because he can't see, doesn't mean the author doesn't want the reader to visualize. Two people doesn't stimulate any visions. As I edited, one cumbersome sentence became a paragraph.
So, here is the rewrite.

Bealomondore listened. Edrina and the young man grunted as they shoved the crate across the floor. The noises moved away from the stairwell, probably toward the door leading to the common room.


  1. Yay! Go Donita! Grace and I are cheering you on. :-)

  2. Wow, I have so much to learn. There are so many differnt ways to mess up while writing!! You have a natural talent Mrs P.